I Believed That I Identified As a Lesbian - The Legendary Artist Helped Me Uncover the Actual Situation

Back in 2011, several years prior to the celebrated David Bowie display opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a lesbian. Until that moment, I had only been with men, including one I had married. After a couple of years, I found myself nearing forty-five, a newly single caregiver to four kids, living in the United States.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and attraction preferences, searching for understanding.

My birthplace was England during the beginning of the seventies - before the internet. During our youth, my friends and I were without online forums or digital content to consult when we had questions about sex; conversely, we turned toward music icons, and in that decade, everyone was playing with gender norms.

Annie Lennox wore masculine attire, Boy George embraced women's fashion, and musical acts such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured artists who were publicly out.

I desired his narrow hips and defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and flat chest. I wanted to embody the Bowie's Berlin period

In that decade, I spent my time driving a bike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I reverted back to femininity when I chose to get married. My partner transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an undeniable attraction back towards the manhood I had once given up.

Given that no one challenged norms quite like David Bowie, I chose to use some leisure time during a summer trip returning to England at the V&A, hoping that maybe he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity precisely what I was searching for when I entered the show - possibly I anticipated that by immersing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, as a result, discover a clue to my true nature.

Before long I was standing in front of a modest display where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was playing on repeat. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while off to one side three accompanying performers in feminine attire gathered around a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had encountered in real life, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and too-tight dresses.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to be over. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three individuals presenting as female, one of them removed her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Of course, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I was absolutely sure that I desired to rip it all off and become Bowie too. I craved his slender frame and his precise cut, his defined jawline and his male chest; I aimed to personify the slender-shaped, Bowie's German period. Nevertheless I couldn't, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Declaring myself as gay was a separate matter, but gender transition was a significantly scarier prospect.

It took me further time before I was ready. During that period, I did my best to become more masculine: I stopped wearing makeup and discarded all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and began donning male attire.

I changed my seating posture, modified my gait, and adopted new identifiers, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the potential for denial and remorse had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

After the David Bowie exhibition concluded its international run with a engagement in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be something I was not.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I knew for certain that the problem wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag throughout his existence. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, moving in the illumination, and now I realized that I was able to.

I booked myself in to see a physician not long after. It took additional years before my transition was complete, but none of the things I anticipated came true.

I still have many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to experiment with identity following Bowie's example - and since I'm at peace with myself, I can.