Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
